So, yeah, I have ADHD.
Knowing I have ADHD is different from believing I have ADHD. From filling in test after test after test that said “yeah, you might want to talk to a professional about this”. From suspecting that maybe it wasn’t normal to lie in the bath, shivering, watching the hair follicles bobble on my thighs while I stare at my legs, willing them to get me out. But instead my feet just knock against each other rhythmically, priming the motor but never quite forcing it into gear.
Knowing that a highly trained and experienced professional agrees I do, in fact, have ADHD means looking at my 15-year marriage and wondering if I inadvertently made my life partner into a carer. And feeling bad about that. And then wondering why I should feel bad about that; disabled people deserve love. People can be lovers and carers.
(Oh, there’s a lot to work out with that whole disability thing. And what I thought I didn’t think but might actually have thought applied to everyone else but not to me.)
And look, there’s good stuff too. I’m looking back at 20-year-old Alex and 30-year-old Alex and, you know, I’m pretty fucking impressed. She joined the dance floor with breeze blocks tied around her ankles—and she didn’t even know it. So while she thought she was simply too dull and awkward and just too much to waltz through life like others seemed to, it turns out she was actually extremely bright and capable. So bright and capable that neither she nor anyone else realised that, left to her own devices, she’d be going at a different tempo altogether.
I forgive her now. For all the things I thought she was too lazy, stupid, frightened, or unambitious to do. It was never a case of not wanting it enough. I have to tell 44-year-old Alex to pipe the fuck down about “not using it as an excuse” when it was a damn good reason.
I don’t think I’ve hit grief or anger yet for the great many things I, like Jo March, should have been. Maybe that will come. Maybe it won’t. I’m not dissatisfied with my lot, which is full of luck and privilege and love.
My issue with my ADHD was not so much about what else I could have achieved as how else I might have felt.
After all, it’s tortured me for years. It’s lurked in my reflection, over my shoulder, teeth bared. I know that physically I’m no prize and never have been, but it’s possible I’m not quite the hulking bog witch I imagine myself to be. I know that I can be overly chatty, overly familiar, overly honest, but I’d like to think that maybe I’m not actually the most irritating, unwelcome person on earth.
Not all the time, anyway.
During most conversations, this is what’s happening in my head.
Main track: the conversation.
Bonus track: a short loop of an ear worm. It changes fairly regularly through the day, and the only time it stops is if there’s actual music playing.
Storage unit: the point I want to make next is constantly rattling in here and trying to get out.
Emergency access lane: thoughts about anything else I’m focused on or worried about zip along here randomly. Unless something interesting happens outside / at the neighbouring table / on the TV, in which case that briefly takes up all of this section.
Alarm bell: my inner voice screaming shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up. Both at me for banging on so much and at anyone who is attempting to move the conversation along before I’ve opened the storage unit. Though sometimes it switches to hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up at the person I’m speaking with who’s moving so slowly towards the point that they telegraphed they were headed towards what feels like 14 months ago.
Amazingly, I didn’t realise for a very long time that this isn’t what it’s like for everyone.
I’m not into the superhero discourse, tbh. Not that I don’t think ADHD has given me a lot of good things. My fast-moving, hyper-analytical mind has brought me as much joy as it has overthinking. I’m quick and witty and sharp and I bring out the best in people and make them feel good about themselves. My ADHD drives all those things.
But it does also kneecap me with anxiety and procrastination and inertia and making me feel like there’s always a thin sheet of glass between me and the typicals.
So it can be a strength, but also a barrier. That makes it a very human state of affairs, rather than a superhuman one.
In fact I could spend a lot of time writing about what ADHD is and what it isn’t. I expect that much of my brain will now be preoccupied with working out what that means for me specifically, so you’ll probably see that here as a recurring theme.
But God: doesn’t my theme of having no theme, of observing and unravelling contradictions, make so much sense now?
Everything is a contradiction. You’re all so confusing. Can you please show me, regularly, not in a flashy or dramatic way but just quietly and calmly, that you’re keeping me around for a reason? I will not know otherwise.
I have ADHD. More to the point I have always had ADHD. And that’s fine.
But I’m not letting it have me.
Okay this is so so good that it’s taken me days to work out what to comment on. (ADHD brain, as you know).
The not realising everyone else’s brain is like yours… oh god yes. I recently described my brain to my aunt, who is brilliant and amazing and so generous with her understanding of others. She listened intently and said ‘no that’s not how brains usually work, that must be exhausting’. It is. It is. As you know.
And making others feel good about themselves? I had no idea I did this until I confessed to a pal my guilt of not seeing her enough since her third child was born and she replied with just this. Apparently I am a cheerleader who makes her feel capable of anything. God I wish I could do that for myself.
I agree it’s not a superpower. It just IS. Like when people ask me if I wish I had siblings. I don’t know, I’ve never had them. This type of brain we have is all we have. Better be okay with it really.
Anyway, welcome! A belated official welcome. Though we all knew it all along. Now for some unravelling. May it be joyous. x
Also: my substack keeps telling me to upgrade to paid but I thought I had. Hmmm. ADHD brain?